National Drunk Driving Day
The Way of the Future
By Christine L. McGeorge
(Just a little irony for you)
According to Mel Gibson, instituting a National Drunk Driving Day would be a disaster waiting to happen. Mr. Gibson is wrong, and so is anyone who agrees with him. A National Drunk Driving Day is a wonderful and practical idea. The idea of all those head-on collisions, the subsequent rise in death tolls, and all those serious injuries that could ensue is enough to warm anybody's heart.
A National Drunk Driving Day is just what we need to increase the number of head-on collisions in the world today. For one thing, they are fun to watch, especially in slow-motion on the five o'clock news. Plus, one gets to see the paramedics, police officers, and firefighters doing their jobs, instead of posing for a calendar. Head-on collisions also keep hospitals busy thus allowing doctors and other medical staff to keep their jobs. Finally, the traffic jams are tremendously beneficial to those of us who need practice thinking.
The rise in the death toll related to a National Drunk Driving Day would be an ecological blessing to the whole world. For one thing, when a person dies by way of a drunk driver, that person is just one less mouth to feed, when added to the rest of the world's drunk driving related deaths, I have to wonder why we never thought of it before now. Plus, the rise in deaths is a good thing because of the reduction of licensed drivers on the road. It would be nice not to get stuck in traffic when one is already running late. Finally, drunk driving, like war, famine, and pestilence in third world countries, is a great way to reduce the human population without offending the "pro-life" activists we so revere.
The serious injuries that would ensue from a National Drunk Driving Day would be a real blessing for many people. For one thing, the experience of flipping through the air, or tumbling into a ravine, is just like a roller coaster ride but with less control. Plus, the possibility of ending up a vegetable for the rest of one's life is a wonderful way to end up. Finally, getting spoon fed that delicious cardboard food that is the staple of hospitals and rehabilitation facilities, getting one's diaper changed as if one is an infant, and getting sponge baths from loved ones are always nice.
I propose that a National Drunk Driving Day is just what the world needs right now. The human population is so high and the amount of food is decreasing at such an alarming rate that it only seems logical to get rid of the riff-raff by any means necessary. If we don't do something now, we might end up having to turn to cannibalism, lest we all become emaciated like Kate Moss, and friends. So I would highly recommend taking my proposal up for advisement, before we do something rash that could give us all AIDS.
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